There is no greater fear in Australia then seeing A Current Affair show up at your home or workplace. We would prefer police, secret service or even an angry neighbor with a shotgun over this media program.
When visiting older relatives, we would often have dinner while staring at this show. It seems to have some sort of hypnotic effects on the older generation and therefore every Australian has at some point watched this show. It’s presented every weekday and has existed since the 1970s; and therefore become engrained into our society.
As the name suggests, A Current Affair is a loose news program that covers and investigates various affairs in the Australian community. What makes them interesting, is that they will cover the most miniscule and ludicrous stories. They will cover anything from dole-bludgers to dangerous dogs: presenting these stories as a completely serious subject matter.
Witnessing people’s minor infractions being broadcast on the national stage has however created some fear within the population. The show acts as almost a living social credit system, creating the dread that any one of us could be ritually humiliated for dumping old refrigerators in the forest. They act as judge, jury and executioner: threatening to expose all of our sins to the world in the most public way possible.
The Tracy Grimshaw era was the most riveting. This was probably because she was a fat pig with a mullet that we still somehow imagined bringing home after one too many drinks. It fit perfectly to have her waddling around disciplining the nation in a teacher-like fashion. She was the living incarnation of the ‘Karen phenomenon’ well before it was popularized.
Our queen Tracy Grimshaw was sadly replaced by Alison Langdon in 2022. They have clearly had issues in public and it all seemed like a weird coop for Langdon to take over the role after allegedly spreading her legs for half of the staff. Langdon is a bland presenter that reminds me of every other female daytime TV host ever: good looking and well spoken, but lacking any real personality. Grimshaw was at least unique, whereas Langdon is more plastic than human… She may have the worst nose job I’ve ever seen – it honestly looks like the operation was performed by a Filipino with no hands in the basement of a ladyboy strip club.
Despite the replacement in host, we all still live in fear of this menacing program. I am so frightened by the idea that they might read this and come after me that I’ve moved my entire family into the underground sewer system of Melbourne. We have bunkered down and already eaten two out of four of my children.
So I suggest we all begin our doomsday preparations for the day when A Current Affair comes knocking.
