So I awoke at a friend’s house and started my day how I always do: with a hot cup of coffee, two cigarettes and a game of Russian roulette to hopefully end my miserable life. I proceeded to hear a knock on the door and opened it to an elderly lady. She asked if it was my car parked in front of her house and I affirmed that it was. This is when I began to smell that something was wrong.
She proceeded to tell me that the entrance of her house had been smeared with faeces and that my car was an unsuspecting victim in the same hate crime. I rushed to see how my vehicle had been tampered with and was horrified at what I found. The driver’s door had received a fresh coat of brown, specifically mashed against the handle.
I was furious and declared my vengeance on the sick bastard that would commit such an atrocity. I carefully opened the passenger’s door and clambered over to the driver’s side. I then moved the car into my friend’s backyard and proceeded to hose it down. I then realized that things had gone from bad to worse. This is because I had now locked my keys in the vehicle.
The assailant now dubbed The Poop Bandit had not just struck my car, but had essentially locked me out from my vehicle. It took me a little over an hour to regain access and in this time I began to ponder the meaning of our pitiful existence.
What would cause a man to commit such a heinous crime? Are we really just alone in a universe where such horrors can occur? Will there ever be true justice in this world?
I spent weeks attempting to find their identity through police reports, DNA samples and even offering a large cash reward. However I have been completely unsuccessful and The Poop Bandit remains free. If you have any information on The Poop Bandit’s identity and/or whereabouts please email these details at charlievayne@armedndangerous.com. He must be brought to justice and executed for his crimes, before he strikes again.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the only time that faeces have been used as a biological weapon. The Scythians first poisoned their arrows with human waste around the 9th century BC. During the Middle Ages, faeces from bubonic plague victims were catapulted into castles. A similar method was used by the Chinese in the 12th century AD. And the Viet Cong placed tainted spears in traps for their enemies to fall onto. There are many more examples where this waste has been recycled into weaponry and it continues to happen to this day.
My relative told me about another incident where a gym participant was smearing their waste all over the showers. They were sadly never caught but instead stopped when the gym had made a public outcry and began financially threatening the unknown perpetrator.
I knew I had vaguely heard ‘The Poop Bandit’ title before, so I entered the term into Google. It was then revealed that this was a continuing global phenomenon. Villains everywhere have been busy making a mess of our world. Evil therefore comes in every form, shape and color – from liquid to round, from dark to light.
