I would like to make an announcement to the world. I just broke a record for the ‘first 16 year old pregnant virgin to write an article while smoking crack and watering my dope plants, all at the same time.’ So make sure you purchase next year’s edition of Guinness World Records to see my pretty face.
Some derelict psychologist somewhere told the mainstream media to insert records into every story for more attention. So now we have to suffer the endless onslaught of being hyped about pointless data points. Every sport, every advert and every news story is now plastered with the most irrelevant record breaking feats in existence.
I partially blame the Guinness World Records for turning our victories into a comedic joke. I remember being a child and reading about records such as ‘most snails on someone’s face” and saying to my imaginary friends “hey, I could do that.” At the time it was amusing, but after years of hearing the boy cry wolf: I find myself not caring about any record whatsoever.
The entire Guinness World Records franchise was built because a wealthy knight in England wanted to settle the dispute around what was the fastest game bird in Europe. This was both a fact with practical uses and also an unchanging truth. Even the historical records that focused on individual success lacked all the variables that are used today.
It’s not enough to have the pointless record of ‘most shirts worn at once’. Guinness World Records has to have an account for the ‘most shirts worn during a half marathon’. Of course now they’ve added the variable of distance to a shirt wearing contest there is also a record for ‘most shirts worn during a full marathon’. So I ask “why stop there?” Let’s have a record for every distance possible. I’m not talking 500 meters; but rather I’m talking records for 501 meters and 502 meters. It may all sound ridiculous and of course it is… But it’s all happening right now, today.
There was once a time where breaking records meant actually achieving something. It usually meant you were the best and most talented in your specific field. This exhibited a level of talent and dedication beyond what others could ever reach.
The other type of record worth recording was when a figure would be the first to achieve something great. This announces to the world a level of adventure and creativity that far surpasses the average human potential.
These pointless records that we have now are really an attack on our souls. They have taken an institution that glorifies the best of humanity and buried it in a sea of mud.
